Your Thoughts Matter

After recently publishing my story, I took a fresh look at it from a reader’s perspective, and two particular sentences near the end stood out to me. When I originally wrote them (years ago), I believed they added depth by showing that both the character (in the first sentence) and the narrator (in the second) were speaking unconsciously, almost as if the virus had affected their minds as well, as in the story, leaving the narrator to rewrite it in a way to make sense of it the other way.

But now, with ‘readers’ in mind, those lines feel a bit off, perhaps even awkward or unnatural, as if suggested by AI, which I didn’t intend, and it feels very inhuman.

What do you think?

Do the sentences convey what they’re meant to, or do they disrupt the flow? I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.

You’re also invited to Reddit, where people are sharing their thoughts on it.